Terrible. Yes-that’s what I feel. Absolutely terrible. But you can’t undo it, can you? I mean its so unfair. Nature works in utterly mysterious ways. It’s so easy to hurt something rather than fix it, it’s so easy to kill rather than nurture. I mean when you think about it, it isn’t necessarily my fault either.I didn’t mean to do what I did. It’s the voices!
I swear to you they made me do it- always lingering in the darkest corners of my mind; pestering me , ridiculing me, taunting me constantly. They are the ones to blame, not me. I never thought of doing it, but now they have got me hooked. I can’t seem to stop. These voices are to blame, not me!
I never would have thought, I would do something so vile yet feel so alive because of it. I am certain this is not me, it’s definitely the voices. They relish in it. I don’t! No, I definitely don’t!The first time- Oh my first time! It was kind of special.
She was someone I knew – not personally; could never find the courage to talk to her. But she was ethereal in her beauty. Her kindness and her wonderful smile. She truly was unforgettable.
‘The world doesn’t deserve her’, the voices said. ‘She is too kind, too pure, it won’t be long until she is tainted too ‘, they would taunt me. I didn’t give in to them though, not for a long while atleast! I fought – fought my hardest! But the taunts grew, the voices were getting impatient.
They were getting aggressive.‘How could you let such a pure soul be tortured by the vile world? Have you no heart? Don’t you wanna protect her?’, they would snarl at me. I resisted, for as long as I could. Until, I couldn’t any more.
It was the circumstances really. The party was stupid but so was she. She should have known not to drink so irresponsibly. And her naivety led to her ultimate downfall. I didn’t even plan anything, she came to me.
I was in the backyard, alone away from all the hustle and the crowd, enjoying my cigarette. It was peaceful. I was entranced by my own thoughts as someone sat beside me, asking for a drag. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw it was her! She was the one who started it. It definitely isn’t my fault!
She came to me asking for a drag. I gave her one, she tried to make small talk. I don’t know why silence is uncomfortable to some. Silence is heaven, silence is peace. I enjoyed it.The voices had gone berserk! ‘Here’s your chance!’, they exclaimed. ‘You have to do the right thing’, they insisted. They wouldn’t shut up! I couldn’t concentrate at all. I wanted them to shut up, I wanted her to shut up. I wanted peace. I wanted silence!
And so in a sheer circumstantial moment, I hit her head, hard. I swear it just happened involuntarily. She wouldn’t shut up, what else was I supposed to do?I knocked her out, she was as it is tipsy. I guess, that made it easier. She plopped down to the ground like tumbling pieces of Jenga. I couldn’t wrap my head around what happened- what I just did. As I stared at her lifeless unconscious mess lying on the ground, I couldn’t help this feeling of exhilaration that was bubbling through me.
But it was short lived, I had to do something!I put her body in the trunk of my car and drove to the river side in the woods. It was quiet there, I liked it. The voices were happy. They were proud.
I was loving the power I was experiencing. There is nothing more exhilarating than power. And there’s nothing that exercises power more than the power to kill. To hold the power to decide when someone dies. It’s like playing god!
As I smashed a rock onto her head repeatedly; I could not help but feel this euphoria surging through me. As the blood splattered onto my face, I could not help but like how it smelled, how it tasted. That wasn’t the taste of blood, it was the taste of power. And power is like heroin, highly addictive and always leaving you wanting more. My exhilaration increased my brutality, but in my defense; it wasn’t all me! It was the voices too! They absolutely loved it.When exhaustion finally overpowered me, I stopped.
Inspecting my work, I was sure nobody could identify her. Atleast, not right away; not without DNA analysis. Stripping her naked, I started tying rocks to her limbs and her torso with the rope I had in my trunk along with the clothes. Being a scout boy in my younger years had finally paid off! I could tie one hell of a knot!
After I was done with adding as many rocks as I could, I stripped naked myself. I wouldn’t wanna catch a cold from wearing wet clothes now do I! I jumped into the water and dragged my creation towards the centre where it was the deepest.
I gotta say, it did require a lot of strength! She was heavy, especially with those rocks! Abandoning her in the deepest part of the river; I swam to the shore, dressed back up and drove straight home.
That night I had the most peaceful and satisfying sleep. It was wonderful. The day after was not. Her family was worried. Why do people care so much about others? I mean someone dying shouldn’t be their business. Other animals don’t mind but we humans- we are fucked up! The plight of her family made me feel terrible.
But what was done was done. I couldn’t do nothing except join the town’s voluntary search party in a wild goose chase of finding her. They lasted for a week. The body was thankfully still submerged and presumably so rotten by now, they wouldn’t find any evidence even if it floated up miraculously.
Amidst all the guilt, I couldn’t help but pride myself for committing the perfect crime! There was no evidence, there were no suspects, there was nothing! Not many can pull that off! I think it’s justified that I feel triumphant for it!
Now five years and 8 murders later, I still can’t help but chuckle when I remember my first. This feeling of terrible guilt is just momentous, it washes away. I would still be left satisfied afterwards. This latest girl bore a striking resemblance to my first. I feel happier because of it.
All of them are in a happier place now. Their physical bodies might be submerged in the river beds at different locations but I am sure all of them are happy together in a special place. No one will be able to taint them, I protected them from the harsh reality. It’s a service, like the voices said. I have to perform it, for their own good.
Avid Procrastinator 